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Virginia has found itself in the news recently for the actions of its recently installed Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli III, for basically demanding that the Commonwealth’s colleges and universities put an end to any anti-discrimination policy that provides protection against discrimination for being gay or lesbian. This is certainly “Old Virginia” thinking, not the state that produced Missy Elliott, Timbaland, and Katie Couric, and with that kind of regression in mind, I thought I’d provide some insight as a native Virginian into the kinds of press releases you can soon expect to find coming from this douche.

July 13, 2010: Virginia Attorney General Ken “Mad Dawg” Cuccinelli III today sent a directive to all state law enforcement agencies informing them that they should immediately detain anyone who had “an appearance that they may have Communist/Socialist tendencies.” Signs to look for include Che Guevara T-shirts, berets, an inclination to protest whenever the Westboro Baptist Church was in the state, or “any of those metrosexual pencil-thin facial hair things that are clearly an abomination upon Christ.”

August 1, 2011: After reading an article about a group of Norfolk-based Buddhists who were planning a seminar on the plight of Tibet, Virginia Attorney General Ken “Sheriff” Cuccinelli III had the group deported to China, saying that “they certainly defied at least one of our nation’s immigration laws.” When informed that every member of the group was born in the United States and that only two of the fifteen were of Asian decent, Cuccinelli was heard to mumble something about the “damned liberal education establishment” and “better dead than Red.”

February 15, 2012: Ken Cuccinelli, in a move that most political experts say oversteps the bounds of his authority, declared war on Maryland today, saying that the District of Columbia belonged “on our side of the Potomac.” The Virginia Attorney General then immediately suspended the writ of habeas corpus within the Commonwealth, citing the precedence of Abraham Lincoln and George W. Bush, which he declared “two sides of a trinity that I complete.”

Governor Bob McDonnell has not been seen in eighteen months.

September 10, 2012: Ken Cuccinelli, Virginia Attorney General and self-styled “VAGinator,” has suspended the gubernatorial elections scheduled to take place in two months. No one was really surprised.

January 14, 2013: His Grand Eloquency Kenworth Cuccinelli (as he has directed the public to refer to him) has taken to speaking in 1600’s style Elizabethan English, and is calling “Fore the Whole?ale Pro?ecution of Any and All of tho?e acu??ed of the Performance of Witchcraft within the Boundaries of the Virginian Common Wealth.” The Richmond Times-Dispatch estimates the cost of installing the capability of state computers to print the “medial s” at $760,000.

January 15, 2013: His Grand Eloquency Kenworth Cuccinelli has disbanded the Richmond Times-Dispatch and had its editorial staffed pro?ecuted.